By: Denny

Our church has this thing called the “Chocolate Club”. It’s comprised of couples; a man, and a woman (it’s sad that because of the times we are living that I even need to make that clarification), who have been married at least 25 years. Every year on the Sunday closest to their anniversary, the couple is asked to stand during the service while Pastor Adam announces how many years they’ve been married, starting from 25 years and upwards. He then hands a gift bag containing a card and chocolates to another person who takes it to the couple. The congregation applauds, and if there are more couples, they are honored and congratulated in the same manner. May 1st was our 31st anniversary and they gave us a whole bag of Hershey’s mini candy bars variety pack. Sometimes Pastor asks the couple to give a short statement about their secret or reason their marriage has lasted. The answers range from a comical quip, usually from the man, saying something like: “Happy wife, happy life”, which usually results in everyone laughing. Other comments are more practical such as: “Never go to sleep angry at each other”, “Not every argument is worth winning”, “Love and serve your mate”, “Pray together”, “Make Jesus the center of your marriage”. Laying aside jesting, I believe all those are important and should be present in a lasting marriage. There never will be a perfect marriage, because of the sinful condition we were all born with. Nevertheless, God has and will bless every marriage that puts him in the center. One might assume that if two people who individually have accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, that it would automatically translate into Him being the center of their marriage. Maybe in theory, but harder to live out on a daily basis. It often takes laying down your own will, patience, and overlooking your spouse’s faults because you have many yourself. The walk down the aisle and saying “I do” is easy, the challenges begin when the realities and trials of life smack you upside the head. However, now there are two of you to face and overcome them together. Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. (Vs 12): Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. If Jesus Christ is that third strand in your marriage cord, your chances of overcoming life’s problems and having a lasting marriage are vastly improved. You may even get to be a lifetime member of the “Chocolate Club”.

Far too many marriages are ending in divorce these days because they were built on a bad, weak, or wrong foundation. Bluntly speaking from experience: good sex doesn’t make for a great marriage, but a great God centered marriage results in good sex. My first marriage failed miserably because of a flawed foundation. Someone needs to hear this. It used to be called “shacking up” which carried a connotation of wrongful behavior, guilt, and shame. But that’s too judgmental so now it’s called cohabiting or living together, which somehow makes it more palatable and socially acceptable. Lust is not love. Make no mistake, God calls it sin and sinful behavior is always the wrong foundation to build a marriage upon. You can and should get married, which is an honorable thing to do, but you’re still building on an old foundation that will eventually crumble. Someday you’ll wake up next to that once beautiful woman or once handsome man that you thought you couldn’t live without and think, “What have I gotten myself into?” Any love that may have been there is vanished leaving only emptiness. Rather than turn to God, many opt for a dime-store divorce and move on to the next relationship. Sadly the percentage of people who call themselves Christians are increasingly falling into this category. Just because you both sit side by side in church on Sunday doesn’t mean Christ is the center of your marriage. Following your religious traditions and ceremonies is as worthless as a plunger in an outhouse, if it doesn’t bring conviction followed by repentance. Repentance, simply stated, is agreeing with God that His word the Bible is true and making the necessary changes in your life and marriage to line up with it. Amos 3:3 (NKJ) Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? (Living Bible Paraphrased) “For how can we walk together with your sins between us?” The correct and only answer is you can’t. You can’t change your past, so maybe the time has come for you to turn to God and agree with Him. If you walk in agreement with God, it will amaze you how often you and your spouse will agree with each other on just about everything. That’s what putting Christ at the center of your marriage looks like.

Many couples choose to opt out of traditional marriage vows and write their own vows. I’m okay with that as long as they reflect Biblical truth and values. What causes me to raise an eyebrow is when the vows are reduced to a simple contract-like agreement between what seems like two business partners. It’s almost like they write into them a provision for them to bail out if the other person doesn’t hold up their end of the deal. The last wedding we attended both my wife and I looked at each other while the couple was reciting their vows wondering where they came up with that milk toast feel good dribble. Together we prayerfully wrote our own vows according to and referencing scripture. There was no surprise on our wedding day as to what we were promising as we recited them to each other. Both our vows end with this same sentence: “With God’s help, I covenant to do and keep these promises to you, as long as we both shall live.” We don’t hear the word covenant used frequently. It implies a deeper commitment than a simple agreement or contract. A covenant says, regardless of your behavior, I will keep my word. That also is what putting Christ at the center of your marriage looks like. God is a covenant making God as seen throughout the Bible. It should be a fearful thing and not taken lightly to include God in your covenant vows, because you aren’t just making them to your mate, but also to God. I remember what my father-in-law said to me on our wedding day. He said, “ If you don’t take care of my daughter or harm her in any way, I’m coming after you!” My reply was, “I’m not afraid of you, but don’t worry, if I don’t treat her right God is coming after me and that makes me really fearful.” Even in a covenant marriage there will be times of conflict, anger, selfishness, disagreements, silence, weeping, and bad behaviors. There will be moments when you like the other person, and times when they aggravate you. Covenant is not based on “Like”, but on “Love”. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity , but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

If you were to ask me the reason our marriage has lasted so long my reply would be, “It’s really no secret, we are in covenant.” I can’t imagine loving or being married to anyone but Lucy, and my “I do” hasn’t changed in 31 years neither do I think it will in the future, as long as we both shall live. I just wish she hadn’t hidden the Hershey’s candy bars so I couldn’t have them at will. Maybe that’s why she hid them and rations them out only two at a time. She knows me so well!